Sex Lives of Superheroes 

Scene two 

 

Scene:  Two hours later. MICHAEL and ELENOR enter from offstage, flushed and happy.

 

MICHAEL: (Enter S.R. Walking a few paces behind ELENOR) Tell Me

ELENOR:(laughing) No!

MICHAEL: Please (over emphasize) 

ELENOR: No! 

MICHAEL: Why not? 

ELENOR: You'll think less of me.

MICHAEL: I won't

ELENOR: Some other time

MICHAEL: Please??

ELENOR: Why do you want to know?

MICHAEL: I just do. 

ELENOR: Some other time. I promise (Beat) I had fun tonight. 

MICHAEL: Me, Too (Beat) I thought of one more

ELENOR: What?

MICHAEL: Flaw

ELENOR: That’s three

MICHAEL: Amazing isn't it? (Beat) Two hours ago I was sure she was perfect,

ELENOR: What is it?

MICHAEL: She never told me anything good about myself. (Beat) Or if she did it was just a set up. (Beat) She'd say something like,(mocking in female tone) "I always admired your generosity," right as I was being selfish. 

ELENOR: But you're not selfish. 

MICHAEL: But that’s not the point. (Beat) (Walks towards center stage away from ELENOR) It's like you’re a tree, and she's a woodcutter and every time she says something like, (mocking tone) "what happened to the adventuresome spirit I used to admire you for?" its like she hacks away ( chopping motion indicating action with arms) at a branch you didn't even know you had. (Beat) And you look down and see it laying there with so many leaves,( crouches down to ground, lowers voice) and just as you reconcile yourself to having lost it, ( jumps up spontaneously swinging arm in chopping motion once more) she starts chopping away at another one. (Throws arms up in air in aggravation) And it keeps happeneing, she keeps hacking away until you're completely defoliated,( turns to ELENOR) and is she satisfied then?

 ELENOR: (In disbelief) probably not

MICHAEL: (Turns back to audience) No, she starts to work on the trunk, which ofcourse you knew was there, but you had no idea how thick it was. (Beat) And everytime you hear "thop" and see a chip go flying out ( motions with arm) you think, "well, that's a big piece, that probably would have kept me standing for a long time, but now it’s gone and I'll probably fall soon." (Saying in an melancholic tone, lowering eyes to ground then looking up again and picking up pace in voice) And then ofcourse (pacing) "thwop" there goes another piece, this one even bigger, and you think, "oh my, I wish I'd known I had that. That's probably what was holding me up all along, (over dramatized) but now I'll have to wait until the next breeze blows me down." And it keeps happening, chip after chip. You're always unhappy with what you've lost but completely unable to see what you still have. (exhales gently, then mopes back to beside ELENOR.) 

ELENOR: She sounds horrible. 

MICHAEL: Yeah, well. (Pause) So, what's your strange habit? 

ELENOR: (Annoyed) Why does this interest you?

MICHAEL: Because..(MICHAEL at a loss for words)  

ELENOR: ( Walking away from MICHAEL to C.D.S.) Nobody knows this except Perry. 

MICHAEL: I won't tell.

ELENOR: I rewrite love stories( Blurts out towards audience, then slightly covers the right side of her face with her hand.) 

MICHAEL: (Surprised and curious) That's it? 

ELENOR: (Turns towards MICHAEL) That's weird. 

MICHAEL: (Shrugs his shoulders) No

ELENOR: (Being dramatic) It is. I'm compulsive about it.

MICHAEL: Still….

ELENOR: (Walking away from MICHAEL once more) I rewrite them with unhappy endings. (Beat) My apartment is full of books that I've torn out the last pages and rewritten.

MICHAEL: (curious, and approaching her slowly) Like what? 

ELENOR: I take any romantic story, and I rewrite so that one of them dies at the end. (Beat) Or sometimes if it's already sad, but sad in a noble way, I rewrite it to make it squallid and unpleasant. 

MICHAEL: (Intrigued and surprised) Really?

ELENOR: Uh-Huh. I once did a version of love story where Jennifer doesn’t die, she hangs on as an invalid and Oliver has to take care of her, and he resents it. And she grows to hate him, but she hangs on to him cause she knows that being an invalid, her options are somewhat limited. And they stay locked like that, hating each other, for the next forty years. 

MICHAEL: (Fascinated and walking closer to ELENOR, she turns and faces him.) That's good. I like that. 

ELENOR: (Shyly, and flirtatiously) Thanks.

MICHAEL: (Leans forward, puts his hand on her arm, and says gently) I really like that. 

 

(LISA enters without knocking, MICHAEL jumps back away from ELENOR.) 

 

MICHAEL: Hi Lisa!

LISA: (Annoyed, and not paying any attention to him but scanning the room with her eyes.) Hello, Michael. 

MICHAEL: (Rushes over to LISA) Let me take that. (LISA hands MICHAEL her coat, which he hangs on the rack.) This is Elenor.(LISA walks about the room examining each of the objects.) 

LISA: (Says without paying any attention to ELENOR) Hello, Elenor. 

ELENOR: (Points at Lisa) Why does she have a key?

MICHAEL: It makes it easier. (Beat) If I can't be here, I'm comforted by the knowledge that she can take whatever she wants. (Staring at LISA) 

ELENOR: (Confused) This is bizarre.

MICHAEL: (To Lisa) I was getting worried about you. (Walks towards her, but she takes everything off the rack and hands it to him.) 

LISA: This is what I want. (Picks up rack and turns to walk away.) See you next week (Says nonchalantly with a smirk.)

MICHAEL: O.K. Have a good one.

ELENOR: Wait a minute! (Approaches LISA)

LISA: (Flips hair, and smugly turns around with a look of annoyance on her face.) Yes?

ELENOR: Is that yours? (Points at coat rack) 

LISA: (Looks past ELENOR and to MICHAEL) Who is this?

MICHAEL: (Shrugs) I just met her. 

ELENOR: I want to talk to you for a second ( Walks closer to LISA)

LISA: (Turns to walk away) Maybe next week.

ELENOR: (Grabbing one end of the coat rack) Just for a second.

LISA: (Jerking gently at coat rack) I'm sorry. 

ELENOR: (Tugging coat rack back towards her) Listen. (Beat) (Says frustrated) I need you to listen to me. 

LISA: (Jerking coat rack harder.) Let go, please.

ELENOR: (as she is dragged off stage) I just want to talk to you! 

LISA: (offstage) Let go.

ELENOR: (offstage) Michael, help me here!

 

(Room darkens and spotlight comes up on MICHAEL)

(MICHAEL jumps down to center stage, and looks at the audience.)

MICHAEL: Help me she was screaming! (Motions with hand to audience)

ELENOR: (offstage) I need help! 

MICHAEL: (to the AUDIENCE) But the Silver Surfer was too smart. He knew that the real Shala Bal wqas pure, and that would have canceled Mephisto's spell. (Beat) bviously, this Shala Bal was an imposter. It was a trap. (Straightens up, and talks normally again) As far as I know, that’s the only time that virginity has played a role in caputinr a villain. (Beat) Does that answer your question?

AUDIENCE MEMBER 2: Yes, thank you. I have a follow-up. Which superheroes are virgins?

MICHAEL: Who were you wondering about?

AUDIENCE MEMBER 2: Spiderman.

MICHAEL: (Irritated) Spiderman? (Throws hands into air) How could Spiderman be a virgin? He's married. Spiderman is marred to Mary Jane Watson. Somebody else. Somebody who knows something about the subject. 

LISA: (offstage. Sound of car being started) Get out of the way! 

ELENOR: (offstage) NO! ( a car horn sounds repeatedly) 

AUDIENCE MEBER 1: Is Wonder Woman a virgin?

MICHAEL: Heteorosexually, yes. Like all Amazons, Wonder Woman is a lesbian. Men are used only for breeding purposes (beat, and shudders) and its not pleasant. 

ELENOR:(offstage) Go ahead, try it. Just try it. (Sound of a car screeching and ELENOR screaming.) 

MICHAEL: Anyone else?

LISA: (Walking from back of audience, holding the coat rack.) I have a question.

MICHAEL: Not you, somebody else? 

LISA: You never answered me. Who was the first hero to have inter-dimensional sex? 

MICHAEL: I'm not interested in that. (Looks for someone else to call on.)

LISA: (points coat rack at MICHAEL) You don't know.

MICHAEL: Yes I do.

LISA: Prove it.

MICHAEL: (Crosses arms) I don't have to.

LISA: (Yells) You're a fraud. You don't know anything. (LISA exits) 

 

(ELENOR enters S.R. exhausted. Lights come up again) 

 

ELENOR: (Storming towards MICHAEL) Why didn't you help me?

MICHAEL: (Backing away) I couldn't. 

ELENOR: (Pushes MICHAEL, and he falls into chair.) You didn't even try!

MICHAEL: I'm sorry!

ELENOR: She tried to run me over.

MICHAEL: No. She knew you'd jump out of the way. 

ELENOR: She tried to kill me!

MICHAEL: (Rudely) I didn't ask you to stop her.

ELENOR: (beat) (Turns to walk away) It was nice knowing you. 

MICHAEL: Goodbye (as she exits)(Stands up) This is one love story you won't have to rewrite. 

ELENOR: (Stops, and turns around) What?

MICHAEL: Just Leave

ELENOR: I don't do that.

MICHAEL: What?

ELENOR: I don't rewrite love stories. 

MICHAEL: Yes you do. 

ELENOR: That would be weird. (beat) I'm not weird

MICHAEL: Yes you are. 

ELENOR: No. (Beat) You told me bizarre things about yourself, and I made up something so you wouldn't be lonely. 

MICHAEL: (Smirks) That's not true. 

ELENOR: It was sympathy sadness. 

MICHAEL: I don't believe you.

ELENOR: (turns and starts walking S.R.) I don't rewrite love stories.

MICHAEL: I don't talk to myself. (ELENOR exits S.R, slamming door. Beat) I talk to other people who aren't there.(Says under breath) 

 

(Blackout)
