09-07-2006, 04:08 PM
A funny little story my aunt sent me
If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet
>syndrome including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story
>below will
> have you laughing out LOUD!
>
> Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet. Here's what
happened:
> Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was
> "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in
his room.
> "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious dad,
>can you help?"
> I put my best lizard-healer face and followed him into his bedroom.
>One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking
stressed. I
> immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called, "come look at the
lizard!"
>
> "Oh my! gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having
babies."
>
> "What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie,Mom!"
> I was equally outraged.
>
> "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to
reproduce,"
> I accused my wife.
>
>
> "Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she
inquired.
> (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)
>
> "No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my
>most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).
>
> "Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
>
>"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she
> informed me. (again with the sarcasm, you think?)
> By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on.
> I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
>
> "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced.
"We're
> about to witness the miracle of birth."
>
> "Oh, gross!" they shrieked.
>
> "Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter
of
> tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do
think she
>was being snotty here, too. Don't you?)
>
> We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a
>tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
>
> "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
>
> "It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
>
>"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
>
>"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it
>next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried
several
>more times with the same results.
>
>"Should I call 911," my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they
>could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the
females
>in my house?)
>
>"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.
>
> We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.
>
>"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
>
> "I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women
>can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one
thing,
>but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)
>
> The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the
little
> animal through a magnifying glass
>"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.
>
> "Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I
>speak to you privately for a moment?"
>
> I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
>
>"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
>
>"Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In
> fact, that isn't EVER going to happen...Ernie is a boy. You see,
Ernie is a
> young male and occasionally, as they come into maturity,
> like most male species, they um....um.... masturbate. Just the way
he
>did, lying on his back."
>
> He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying,
> Mr. Cameron."
>
> We were silent, absorbing this.
>
> "So Ernie's just...just... excited," my wife offered.
>
>"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
>
> More silence. Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle and
>giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
>
> "What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the
>woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless
manliness.
>
> Tears were now running down her face. Laughing "It's
just...that...I'm
> picturing you pulling on its... its...teeny little..." she gasped
for
>more air to bellow in laughter once more.
>
> "That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Vet and hurriedly bundled
>the lizards and our son back into the car.
>
> He was glad everything was going to be okay.
>
> "I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he
>told me.
>
> "Oh, you have NO idea,"
>
> Closed mouth, my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
>
> 2 - Lizards - $140...
>
> 1 - Cage - $50...
>
> Trip to the Vet - $30...
>
> Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie...Priceless
>
> Moral of the story - finish biology class - lizards lay eggs!
If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet
>syndrome including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story
>below will
> have you laughing out LOUD!
>
> Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet. Here's what
happened:
> Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was
> "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in
his room.
> "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious dad,
>can you help?"
> I put my best lizard-healer face and followed him into his bedroom.
>One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking
stressed. I
> immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called, "come look at the
lizard!"
>
> "Oh my! gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having
babies."
>
> "What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie,Mom!"
> I was equally outraged.
>
> "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to
reproduce,"
> I accused my wife.
>
>
> "Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she
inquired.
> (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)
>
> "No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my
>most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).
>
> "Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
>
>"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she
> informed me. (again with the sarcasm, you think?)
> By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on.
> I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
>
> "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced.
"We're
> about to witness the miracle of birth."
>
> "Oh, gross!" they shrieked.
>
> "Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter
of
> tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do
think she
>was being snotty here, too. Don't you?)
>
> We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a
>tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
>
> "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
>
> "It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
>
>"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
>
>"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it
>next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried
several
>more times with the same results.
>
>"Should I call 911," my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they
>could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the
females
>in my house?)
>
>"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.
>
> We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.
>
>"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
>
> "I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women
>can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one
thing,
>but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)
>
> The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the
little
> animal through a magnifying glass
>"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.
>
> "Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I
>speak to you privately for a moment?"
>
> I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
>
>"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
>
>"Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In
> fact, that isn't EVER going to happen...Ernie is a boy. You see,
Ernie is a
> young male and occasionally, as they come into maturity,
> like most male species, they um....um.... masturbate. Just the way
he
>did, lying on his back."
>
> He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying,
> Mr. Cameron."
>
> We were silent, absorbing this.
>
> "So Ernie's just...just... excited," my wife offered.
>
>"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
>
> More silence. Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle and
>giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
>
> "What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the
>woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless
manliness.
>
> Tears were now running down her face. Laughing "It's
just...that...I'm
> picturing you pulling on its... its...teeny little..." she gasped
for
>more air to bellow in laughter once more.
>
> "That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Vet and hurriedly bundled
>the lizards and our son back into the car.
>
> He was glad everything was going to be okay.
>
> "I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he
>told me.
>
> "Oh, you have NO idea,"
>
> Closed mouth, my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
>
> 2 - Lizards - $140...
>
> 1 - Cage - $50...
>
> Trip to the Vet - $30...
>
> Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie...Priceless
>
> Moral of the story - finish biology class - lizards lay eggs!
=) 