pregnant lizard
|
09-07-2006, 04:08 PM,
|
|||
|
|||
pregnant lizard
A funny little story my aunt sent me
If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet >syndrome including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story >below will > have you laughing out LOUD! > > Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet. Here's what happened: > Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was > "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room. > "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious dad, >can you help?" > I put my best lizard-healer face and followed him into his bedroom. >One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I > immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!" > > "Oh my! gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies." > > "What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie,Mom!" > I was equally outraged. > > "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," > I accused my wife. > > > "Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired. > (I actually think she said this sarcastically!) > > "No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my >most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together). > > "Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed. > >"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she > informed me. (again with the sarcasm, you think?) > By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. > I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. > > "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. "We're > about to witness the miracle of birth." > > "Oh, gross!" they shrieked. > > "Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of > tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she >was being snotty here, too. Don't you?) > > We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a >tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. > > "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted. > > "It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified. > >"Do something, Dad!" my son urged. > >"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it >next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several >more times with the same results. > >"Should I call 911," my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they >could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females >in my house?) > >"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. > > We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. > >"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged. > > "I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women >can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, >but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.) > > The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little > animal through a magnifying glass >"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically. > > "Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I >speak to you privately for a moment?" > > I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. > >"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked. > >"Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In > fact, that isn't EVER going to happen...Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a > young male and occasionally, as they come into maturity, > like most male species, they um....um.... masturbate. Just the way he >did, lying on his back." > > He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, > Mr. Cameron." > > We were silent, absorbing this. > > "So Ernie's just...just... excited," my wife offered. > >"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. > > More silence. Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle and >giggle. And then even laugh loudly. > > "What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the >woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness. > > Tears were now running down her face. Laughing "It's just...that...I'm > picturing you pulling on its... its...teeny little..." she gasped for >more air to bellow in laughter once more. > > "That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Vet and hurriedly bundled >the lizards and our son back into the car. > > He was glad everything was going to be okay. > > "I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he >told me. > > "Oh, you have NO idea," > > Closed mouth, my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter. > > 2 - Lizards - $140... > > 1 - Cage - $50... > > Trip to the Vet - $30... > > Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie...Priceless > > Moral of the story - finish biology class - lizards lay eggs!
I am a free single guy again, but I am still addicted to Elder Scrolls
http://z10.invisionfree.com/Island_of_Ra...hp?act=idx Enjoy the Great taste of Diet Bob, with Zero Calories |
|||
09-07-2006, 04:44 PM,
|
|||
|
|||
Damn, that was good. :lmao:
........ :lmao:
The Forgotten Ones have returned.
|
|||
09-07-2006, 07:02 PM,
|
|||
|
|||
holy crap... that is so funny... you;ve just made my day! :lol: :goodjob:
|
|||
09-07-2006, 07:22 PM,
|
|||
|
|||
That is ridiculously funny, but I can't crack a smile because I read the ending as I was scrolling through the thread.
When the game is over, the King and the Pawn go back into the same box.
|
|||
09-07-2006, 11:25 PM,
|
|||
|
|||
:lmao:
I have no idea what is going around here
|
|||
09-08-2006, 12:04 AM,
|
|||
|
|||
:eek: =) funny... I never thought lizard wongs would be funny
|
|||
09-08-2006, 04:29 AM,
|
|||
|
|||
He he he.... I especially loved the punchline, because I read through the whole story without giving a second thought to the fact that lizards don't give live birth
¤ How to add images or files to your post ¤ Silgrad's UBBCode
My pet peeve: huge images in img code. I reserve the right to make any such image into a clickeable thumbnail whenever I see it. Angel mired in filth |
|||
09-08-2006, 04:43 AM,
|
|||
|
|||
:lmao: That's good, I can't believe lizards masterbate.
Akavir race modder and texturer
|
|||
09-08-2006, 05:15 AM,
|
|||
|
|||
I know that most reptiles (if not all) lay eggs, but some fish do labour (Would that make guppies mammals?). That was hillarious though, I can't... hold... back... ... laughter!!! :lmao:
|
|||
« Next Oldest | Next Newest »
|
Users browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)