 Fiction, His falling from grace. |
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 Fiction, His falling from grace. |
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Her lifeless faced addresed his eyes, like stone. He knew she had been
taken, he tried in vain calling out to her, but she was lost beyond
comprehension. He was alone in this cold world now, alone to the
dangers of the world, alone to face the darkness that clawed at his
very soul, but in his heart he knew that the only evil he truly faced
was himself, for he had killed her, I had killed her.
The pain had come unbearable, like a dagger piecring his soft flesh, he
cried out to the stars, but he knew that his body was beyond repair and
that he could not begivin salvation from the madness that ate at his
mind. Only death could bring him sanity. He brought his sword far above
his head and plunged it into his unholy gut.
The light is now fading, and I can see her face.
This post has been edited 3 time(s), it was last edited by The Old Ye Bard: 12.11.2006 08:19.
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05.06.2006 06:54 |
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Siegfried
Archduke
Registration Date: 07.03.2006
Posts: 2,598
Location: With Your Mom...
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Me thinks this is about a werewolf. Sounds good 
, but needs a lot more content.
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05.06.2006 21:30 |
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| RE: Book-His fall into Darkness- |
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Her lifeless faced addresed his eyes, like stone. He knew she had been
taken, he tried in vain calling out to her, but she was lost beyond
comprehension. He was alone in this cold world now, alone to the
dangers of the world, alone to face the darkness that clawed at his
very soul, but in his heart he knew that the only evil he truly faced
was himself, for he had killed her, I had killed her.
Almost as though I was in a dream the darkness around me swirled, like
whirl pools in a stream. The flowing of evil through his soul, is the
only thing left to keep him company. A drop from far above falls from
the heavens, I cannot remeber if it was my own, or an ilusion of the
cruel world around me, but the grief soon overtook his twisted mind.
He tore at himself in a wave of desperate fury, trying to piecre that
which was not his, trying to destroy the monster that had ingulfed him
into it's hidious being. He toar at his unhuman flesh trying to rid
himself of it, but as the moon faded so did is outer shell of lust for
death, retreating to the inner chambers of his mind, leaving me to
suffer alone.
The pain was unbearable, like a dagger piecring his soft flesh, he
cried out to the stars, but he knew that his body was beyond repair and
that he could not begivin salvation from the madness that ate at his
mind. Only death could bring him sanity. He brought his sword far above
his head and plunged it into his unholy gut. Release from these mortal bonds, I thought.
My soul is draining, the light is now fading, and I can see her face
smiling at me. Grief fills my heart as her image fades and the darkness
consumes me. I am truley alone.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Still needs more work to make it flow but it's getting there.
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06.06.2006 21:37 |
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raggidman
Prince
Registration Date: 06.01.2006
Posts: 2,561
Location: where my heart is
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| RE: Book-His fall into Darkness- |
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Beautiful, I votes keep it nebulous!
The first post looks like a note or scrap - enticing;
The second post is becoming a short story, but you will have to be very
careful not to lose the impact that your original post has...
Would you like me to make some gramatical suggestions and assist you
with phrasing to enhance what you have there? I could do that almost
immediately as it is 'unique' content that other developing lore need
not affect...
__________________
Because loyalty is not to be
spoken of and honour is to be endured. Whilst courage is to be
survived. These virtues belong to silence.
Steven Erikson.
But, if one man does nothing can he be said to be good? raggidman
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07.06.2006 12:05 |
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| RE: Book-His fall into Darkness- |
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| quote: |
Originally posted by raggidman
Beautiful, I votes keep it nebulous!
The first post looks like a note or scrap - enticing;
The second post is becoming a short story, but you will have to be very
careful not to lose the impact that your original post has...
Would you like me to make some gramatical suggestions and assist you
with phrasing to enhance what you have there? I could do that almost
immediately as it is 'unique' content that other developing lore need
not affect... |
sure, any help would be great.
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07.06.2006 20:46 |
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Her lifeless faced addresed his eyes, like stone. He knew she had been
taken, he tried in vain calling out to her, but she was lost beyond
comprehension. He was alone in this cold world now, alone to the
dangers of the world, alone to face the darkness that clawed at his
very soul, but in his heart he knew that the only evil he truly faced
was himself, for he had killed her, I had killed her.
Silence now filled the air, mixed with the stench of death.
A drop fell from the heavens, I cannot remember if it was my own, or an
ilusion of the cruel world around me, but the grief soon overtook my
twisted mind.
He tore at himself in a wave of desperate fury, trying to piecre that
which was not his, trying to destroy the monster that had ingulfed him
into it's hidious being. He toar at his unhuman flesh trying to rid
himself of it, but as the moon faded so did is outer shell of lust for
death, retreating to the inner chambers of his mind, leaving him to
suffer alone.
The pain was unbearable, like a dagger piecring his soft flesh, he
cried out to the stars, but he knew that his body was beyond repair and
that he could not begivin salvation from the madness that ate at his
mind. Only death could bring him sanity. He brought a dagger to his
throat, and in one swift movement he slit it. Release from these mortal bonds, I thought.
The blood began to trickle down his neck. The very thing had kept him alive was now making a mockery of his demise. Cruel be this world of sorrow and regret.
My soul is draining, the light is now fading, and I can see her face
smiling at me. Grief fills my heart as her image fades and the darkness
consumes me. I am truley alone.
This post has been edited 2 time(s), it was last edited by The Old Ye Bard: 14.06.2006 21:27.
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13.06.2006 08:11 |
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raggidman
Prince
Registration Date: 06.01.2006
Posts: 2,561
Location: where my heart is
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--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Author = The Ye Old Bard
Chieftain of Skyrim - edit by raggidman
note: hope you like this hurried take. I have corrected several typos
and gramaticals, and even put in or changed a couple of words here and
there, having fun, playing with the lyrical qualities and the powerful
tragic and dramatic tensions that you have built. Suspect that there
are still bits that can be polished, but I wonder how you feel about
the changes? What you want to keep, or if you feel any are out of
keeping... If you are enjoying this and want to, then do some more work
on this and I will see if I can find more to do with that. Or stand pat
here, and bung me another tale - it is a pleasure working with your
work.
What I have not done is try to reintroduce content from the first
effort as I automatically took to your current version which has a
simpler, clearer vision, but re-/combining two takes of a storey can
also be fun when there is time... and thanks for writing it in the
first place.
| quote: |
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Her lifeless faced addressed his eyes, like stone.
He knew she had been taken, he tried in vain calling out to her, but she was lost beyond comprehension.
He was alone in this cold world now. Alone he must face the dangers of
the world, alone he must endure the darkness that clawed at his very
soul, but in his heart he knew that the only evil he truly faced was
himself, for he had killed her ... I had killed her.
Silence now filled the air, mixed with the stench of death.
A drop fell from the heavens, I cannot remember if it was my own, or an
illusion of the cruel world around me, but the grief soon overtook my
twisted mind.
He tore at himself in a wave of desperate fury, trying to peirce that
which was not his, trying to destroy the monster whose hideous being
had engulfed him. He tore at his unhuman flesh trying to rid himself of
it, but as the moon faded so did is outer shell of lust for death,
retreating to the inner chambers of his mind, leaving him to suffer
alone without anger's dulling surcease.
The pain was now unbearable, like a dagger piecring his soft flesh. He
cried out to the stars, but knew that his body was beyond repair and
that he could not be given salvation from the madness that ate at his
mind. Only death could bring him sanity. He brought the dagger to the
throat and in one swift movement slit it. Release from these mortal
bonds, I thought.
The blood began to trickle down his neck. The very thing had kept him
alive was now making a mockery of his demise. Cruel be this world of
sorrow and regret.
My soul is draining, the light is now fading, and I can see her face
smiling at me. Grief fills my heart as her image fades and the darkness
consumes me. I am truely alone. |
__________________
Because
loyalty is not to be spoken of and honour is to be endured. Whilst
courage is to be survived. These virtues belong to silence.
Steven Erikson.
But, if one man does nothing can he be said to be good? raggidman
This post has been edited 2 time(s), it was last edited by raggidman: 02.07.2006 12:40.
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02.07.2006 00:10 |
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Why did you change "his throat" to "the throat"?
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02.07.2006 09:08 |
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raggidman
Prince
Registration Date: 06.01.2006
Posts: 2,561
Location: where my heart is
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I wanted to break out of the dance between the first and third person
perspectives to emphasise that single-mindedness or total focus which
comes upon a person who is about to do someting so enormous or final
that all personal considerations must be suspended and cease to have
meaning for that vital instant when the action is triggered and takes
place. For if the person committing the act continues to think then
automatic reactions would prevent the action from occurring.
Whether or not this is effective here you should decide for yourself,
and/or maybe try it out on someone who is new to the piece.
__________________
Because loyalty is not to be
spoken of and honour is to be endured. Whilst courage is to be
survived. These virtues belong to silence.
Steven Erikson.
But, if one man does nothing can he be said to be good? raggidman
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02.07.2006 12:40 |
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Siegfried
Archduke
Registration Date: 07.03.2006
Posts: 2,598
Location: With Your Mom...
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Thanks for the edit raggidman, its good, of course if the Bard wants we
could leave it uneditted as if it was scrawled before suicide or
whatever. |
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02.07.2006 23:44 |
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The book isn't a scrawl before suicide, anyway it wouldn't make sense.
It is just a fictional book about a person who kills his lover goes
insane and then commits suicide. I will keep the last version that I
wrote up.
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03.07.2006 09:00 |
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raggidman
Prince
Registration Date: 06.01.2006
Posts: 2,561
Location: where my heart is
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I agree with you about this being a 'true' story, rather than a suicide
note The Ye Old Bard. But I suggest that you carefully compare your
preferred version with my edit to remove the typos and gramaticals, and
hope that, whichever version you use, my offering has been useful.
__________________
Because loyalty is not to be
spoken of and honour is to be endured. Whilst courage is to be
survived. These virtues belong to silence.
Steven Erikson.
But, if one man does nothing can he be said to be good? raggidman
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05.07.2006 00:05 |
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Her lifeless face addressed his eyes, like stone. He knew she had been
taken, he tried in vain calling out to her, but she was lost beyond
comprehension. He was alone in this cold world now, alone to the
dangers of the world, alone to face the darkness that clawed at his
very soul, but in his heart he knew that the only evil he truly faced
was himself, for he had killed her, I had killed her.
Silence now filled the air, mixed with the stench of death.
A drop fell from the heavens, I cannot remember if it was my own, or an
illusion of the cruel world around me, but the grief soon overtook my
twisted mind.
He tore at himself in a wave of desperate fury, trying to pierce that
which was not his, trying to destroy the monster that had engulfed him
into it's hideous being. He ripped at his unhuman flesh trying to rid
himself of it, but as the moon faded so did is outer shell of lust for
death, retreating to the inner chambers of his mind, leaving him to
suffer alone.
The pain was unbearable, like a dagger piercing his soft flesh, he
cried out to the stars, but he knew that his body was beyond repair and
that he could not be given salvation from the madness that ate at his
mind. Only death could bring him sanity. He brought a dagger to his
throat, and in one swift movement he slit it. Release from these mortal bonds, I thought.
The blood began to trickle down his neck. The very thing had kept him alive was now making a mockery of his demise. Cruel be this world of sorrow and regret.
My soul is draining, the light is now fading, and I can see her face
smiling at me. Grief fills my heart as her image fades and the darkness
consumes me. I am truly alone.
This is the version you should use. Also there is a help book in the CS that explains about all of the codes for books.
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29.07.2006 23:34 |
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Greybeard
Chieftain of Skyrim
Registration Date: 21.05.2006
Posts: 721
Location: Shannara
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Got it - and thanks for the head's up on those codes.
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29.07.2006 23:38 |
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Napalm338
Journeyman
Registration Date: 25.07.2006
Posts: 8
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I'm confused, is the story in first person or in third person. You keep
switching between "I" and "He". if this is intentional nevermind this
as I'm not much of a poet anyways 
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02.08.2006 11:16 |
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Greybeard
Chieftain of Skyrim
Registration Date: 21.05.2006
Posts: 721
Location: Shannara
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This book is ingame. 
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28.08.2006 04:15 |
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