 Confessions of a Knight-Baron |
hugie
Guardian
Registration Date: 25.11.2006
Posts: 32
Location: the netherlands
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 Confessions of a Knight-Baron |
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I wrote this book yesterday and I was wondering what you guys though
about it. English isn't my native langauge so it will me full of
grammar mistakes, I'm sorry for that. I also don't know if it fits well
in lore. so feedback is highly appreciated.
have fun 
Confessions of a Knight-Baron
Authors note: The following
conversation, was held between the writer of this book and a
Knight-Baron, who?s name won?t by mentioned for the sake his relatives
and descendants, from a hold which also won?t be called by name.
It will describe a terrible event, in which many people died. The
interrogated Knight-baron is very well aware of his sins and those of
his followers, this is the reason that the Noble Knight-Baron is
willing to confess his sins. In the good hope of finding forgiveness
from the gods.
The Chieftain and his Council of Elders were resistive for years, they
said they found the taxes to high, thought all the laws I made were
only made to incite their village, and said everyone ignored their
opinions. The Chieftain vetoed nearly all laws I had tried to put
through the past years. He also tried multiple times to overthrown my
rule, but didn?t succeed because he never got much support from the
other Chieftains. Nearly all my knights who travelled through their
village were taunted and sometimes even attacked by the angry
Villagers, while the Chieftain and his council did nothing. Our
tax-collector had trouble collecting the taxes, and needed to be
escorted by nearly seven men to make it out the village alive.
But on the day a horse car packed with the bodies of the tax collector
and his escort arrived by the castle. They had gone to far.
That same day I ordered my knights to prepare for a battle, and in the
afternoon we left town and marched to the resistive village. We arrived
in the middle of the night, when the moon was at his highest point. I
was together with twenty-five of my bravest knights, and we surrounded
the village in which around thirty people lived. The chieftain had put
out guards at the palisade, excepting our visit. We managed to stay
unnoticed, until I gave the sign and a rain of arrows felt down on the
village. We heard screams coming out the village from the people who
were hit by arrows.
I gave the second sign, and all my knights lit their torches. We walked
slowly towards the village, our armour clattered with a terrifying
sound. The distance between my knights and the palisade was around ten
metres, when the first enemy warriors appeared on top of it. They began
to scream and tried to grab their bows, but my archers were faster, and
before they had their bows loaded, my archers had shoot arrows at them,
making them fall of the palisade with a dull thud and a terrible scream.
I was only five metres from the gate of the village when a group of
scared woman closed it, screaming with fear or maybe anger. I had
expected this, and called my knights to halt. Then I gave the two
knights next to me, who both had torches the order to walk to the
palisade and burn it down. The two knights walked bravely towards the
wooden wall, where beyond orders were screamed, children cried out in
fear and woman were making hysterical noises.
When my two knights stood before the palisade ready to set it on fire,
a big, beastlike warrior appeared on top of the palisade, he had the
build of a troll, and his body was painted with all kinds of Nordic
runes and sybols. With a fearsome shout, he was hit by ten arrows and
he dropped a huge stone off the palisade which fell on my knights. One
was immediately killed and the others legs were crushed by the stones
enormous weight, he screamed with pain as he bled to death. We stood
completely motionless for a moment watching in terror at the crushed
bodies of our fellow knights, and the inhuman beast who killed them.
Then a second barrage of arrows rained down at the barbarian who slew
the two knights. He made a fearsome cry and felt off the palisade into
the village. My knights shouted victory when the giant fell and two
other brave knights walked to the palisade and set it on fire, within a
couple of minutes the village was surrounded by a ring of fire. The
heat was nearly unbearable, and we heard screams of pain and fear
coming out the village. after half a hour the villagers were completely
silent. After two hours we assumed it was safe to go in, the palisade
had totally burned down and we could walk in the village without any
problem.
When we walked in the village we could find not a single villager,
except for the bodies of the dead, who lay heavily burned dotted
throughout the village. We walked slowly and with caution through the
destroyed village. All the houses were empty and burnt. Then one of my
knights came to me and said they heard sounds coming out of the
chieftain's house. I gathered ten of my bravest knights together and
walked to the chieftain's house, which was overlooking the destroyed
village.
When we opened the door we heard crying coming from the second floor.
Alerted we walked slowly up the stairs, seeing something move in the
bedroom, we went in. Inside a group of woman, children and village
elders lay crying with fear upon the floor, the only man capable of
fighting was the chieftain. He stood up and walked towards me. He
kneeled and said: ?You won, and I will surrender if you spare these
poor souls. My Lord?. I laughed and hit him in the face, I heard myself
saying: ?You killed my two bravest knights and my tax-collector and his
escort, and now you want me to spare ?those poor souls?. I didn?t know
what I was thinking, I felt power streaming through my body, I lost
every kind of responsibility. I pulled out my sword and sliced the
chieftains head clean of his shoulders. The woman, children and elders
screamed in terror. I turned around and walked out the room, the only
thing I said was: ?kill them.?
When I came out of the chieftains house all I heard were screams of the
innocent being killed by my knights. But I didn?t feel sorry. I felt
like I was on top of the world. Like I just had drank a glass of fine
wine from the gods. I had never felt so good.
A few minutes later my knights came out the chieftains house, soaked in
blood. Some looked proud, some looked ashamed and some looked scared.
And one of them had eyes which were full of revenge, he was the only
one who wasn?t covered I blood. He walked towards me and for I a second
I though he would kill me. But he said: ?You! You dog! You have the
blood the innocent on your hands! The gods will punish you for this
sin! You will never rest again, every time you close your eyes you will
see those innocent people and hear them scream!? I laughed and said:
?You were there, you are as guilty as I am! You could have stopped me,
and you didn?t! You are a coward!?
The knight stared at me with eyes full of anger. He said nothing and
walked out of the destroyed village. We never heard of him again, but
his prophecy was right. I haven?t been able to find rest again since
that night. Every night I hear the screams, the screams of the
innocent.
__________________
when I walk over the water this afternoon, tomorrow the people will say: the Prime-minster can't swim.- Margret Thatcher
This post has been edited 1 time(s), it was last edited by hugie: 17.12.2006 11:32.
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16.12.2006 11:16 |
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Alasdair
Jarl of Skyrim
Registration Date: 29.08.2006
Posts: 1,169
Location: Somerset, England
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I really like it 
Does need some slight grammer/spell checking though, and some of the
phrases don't fit in. I highlighted the changes I would make below
(comments are in brackets):
Confessions of a Knight-Baron
Authors note: The following conversation, was held between the writer of this book and a Knight-Baron, who?s name won?t by mentioned for the sake his relatives and descendants, from a hold which also won?t be called by name.
It will describe a terrible event, in which many people died.
The interrogated Knight-baron is very well aware of his sins and those
of his followers, this is the reason that the Noble Knight-Baron is
willing to confess his sins. In the good hope of finding forgiveness from the gods.
The Chieftain and his Council of Elders were resistive for years, they
said they found the taxes to high, thought all the laws I made were
only made to taunt (incite maybe?) their village, and said everyone ignored their opinions. The Chieftain vetoed nearly all laws I had tried to put through the past years. He also tried multiple times to overthrown my rule, but didn?t succeed because he never got much support from the other Chieftains. Nearly all my knights who travelled through their village were taunted and sometimes even attacked by the angry Villagers, while the Chieftain and his council did nothing. Our tax-collector had trouble collecting the taxes, and needed to be escorted by nearly seven men to make it out the village alive.
But on the day a horse car packed with the bodies of the tax collector and his escort arrived by the castle. They had gone to far.
That same day I ordered my knights to prepare for a battle, and in
the afternoon we left town and marched to the resistive village. We
arrived in the middle of the night, when the moon was at his highest
point. I was together with twenty-five of my bravest knights, and we surrounded the village in which around thirty people lived. The chieftain had
put out guards at the palisade, excepting our visit. We managed to stay
unnoticed, until I gave the sign and a rain of arrows felt down on the village. We heard screams coming out the village from the people who were hit by arrows.
I gave the second sign, and all my knights lit their torches. We walked slowly towards the village, our armour clattered with a (deafening/terrifying?) sound (not sure what you are trying to say here). The distance between my knights and the palisade was around ten metres, when the first enemy warriors appeared on top of it. They began to scream and tried to grab their bows, but my archers were faster, and before they had their bows loaded, my archers had shoot arrows at them, making them fall of the palisade with a dull thud and a terrible scream.
I was only five metres from the gate of the village when a group of scared woman closed it, screaming with fear or maybe anger. I had expected this, and
called my knights to halt. Then I gave the two knights next to me, who
both had torches the order to walk to the palisade and burn it down.
The two knights walked bravely towards the wooden wall, where beyond orders were screamed, children cried out in fear and woman were making hysterical noises.
When my two knights stood before the palisade ready to set
it on fire, a big, beastlike warrior appeared on top of the palisade,
he had the build of a troll, and his body was painted with all kinds of Nordic runes and sybols. With a fearsome shout, he was hit by ten (100 seems to many) arrows and he dropped a huge stone off the palisade which fell on my knights. One was immediately killed and the others legs were crushed by the stones enormous weight, he screamed with pain as he bled to death. We stood completely motionless for a moment watching in terror at the crushed bodies of our fellow knights, and the inhuman beast who killed them. Then a second barrage of arrows rained down at the barbarian who slew the two knights. He made a fearsome cry and felt off the palisade into the village. My knights shouted victory when the giant fell and two other brave knights walked to the palisade and
set it on fire, within a couple of minutes the village was surrounded
by a ring of fire. The heat was nearly unbearable, and we heard screams
of pain and fear coming out the village. after half a hour the
villagers were completely silent. After two hours we assumed it was safe to go in, the palisade had totally burned down and we could walk in the village without any problem.
When we walked in the village we could find not a single villager, except for the bodies of the dead, who lay heavily burned dotted throughout the village. We walked slowly and with caution through the destroyed village. All the houses were empty and burnt. Then one of my knights came to me and said they heard sounds coming out of the chieftain's
house. I gathered ten of my bravest knights together and walked to the
chieftain's house, which was overlooking the destroyed village.
When we opened the door we heard crying coming from the second floor. Alerted we walked slowly up the stairs, seeing something move in the bedroom, we went in. Inside a group of woman, children and village elders lay crying with fear upon the floor, the only man capable of fighting was the chieftain. He stood up and walked towards me. He kneeled and said: ?You won, and I will surrender if you spare these poor souls. My Lord?. I laughed and hit (I don't think slapped sounds right)
him in the face, I heard myself saying: ?You killed my two bravest
knights and my tax-collector and his escort, and now you want me to
spare ?those poor souls?. I didn?t know what I was thinking, I felt power streaming through my body, I lost every kind of responsibility. I pulled out my sword and sliced the chieftains head clean
of his shoulders. The woman, children and elders screamed in terror. I
turned around and walked out the room, the only thing I said was: ?kill
them.?
When I came out of the chieftains house all I heard were screams of the innocent being killed by my knights. But I didn?t feel sorry. I felt like I was on top of the world. Like I just had drank a glass of fine wine from the gods. I had never felt so good.
A few (ten seems a bit long) minutes later my knights came out the chieftains house, soaked in blood. Some looked proud, some looked ashamed and some looked scared. And one of them had eyes which were full of revenge, he was the only one who wasn?t covered I blood. He walked towards me and for I a second I though he would kill me. But he said: ?You! You dog! You have the blood the innocent on your hands! The gods will punish you for this sin! You will never rest again, every time you close your eyes you will see those innocent people and hear them scream!? I laughed and said: ?You were there, you are as guilty as I am! You could have stopped me, and you didn?t! You are a coward!?
The knight stared at me with eyes full of anger. He said nothing and
walked out of the destroyed village. We never heard of him again, but
his prophecy was right. I haven?t been able to find rest again since that night. Every night I hear the screams, the screams of the innocent.
This post has been edited 2 time(s), it was last edited by Alasdair: 16.12.2006 22:23.
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16.12.2006 22:22 |
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-Sulan-
Chieftain of Skyrim
Registration Date: 06.03.2006
Posts: 443
Location: Sweden
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I just read it, and liked it very much!!
The text is sotf of "matter of factly" but it?s fitting for a baron recalling his sins me thinks!!
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18.12.2006 03:32 |
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cruxvader
Seigneur
Registration Date: 17.05.2006
Posts: 155
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Further editing
| quote: |
Confessions of a Knight-Baron
Authors note: The following conversation, was held between the writer
of this book and a Knight-Baron, who?s name won?t by mentioned for the
sake his relatives and descendants, from a hold which also won?t be
called by name.
It describes a terrible event, in which many people died. The
interrogated Knight-baron is very well aware of his sins and those of
his followers, this is the reason that the Noble Knight-Baron is
willing to confess his sins. In the good hope of finding forgiveness
from the gods.
The chieftain and his Council of Elders were resistive for years, they
said they found the taxes to high, thought all the laws I made were
only made to taunt (incite maybe?) their village, and said everyone
ignored their opinions. The Chieftain vetoed nearly all laws I had
tried to put through the past years. He also tried multiple times to
overthrown my rule, but didn?t succeed because he never got much
support from the other chieftains. Nearly all my knights who traveled
through their village were taunted and sometimes even attacked by the
angry villagers, while the chieftain and his council did nothing. Our
tax-collector had trouble collecting the taxes, and needed to be
escorted by nearly seven men to make it out the village alive.
But on the day a horse car packed with the bodies of the tax collector
and his escort arrived by the castle. They had gone to far.
That same day I ordered my knights to prepare for a battle, and in the
afternoon we left town and marched to the resistive village. We arrived
in the middle of the night, when the moon was at his highest point. I
was together with twenty-five of my bravest knights, and we surrounded
the village in which around thirty people lived. The chieftain had put
out guards at the palisade, excepting our visit. We managed to stay
unnoticed, until I gave the sign and a rain of arrows felt down on the
village. We heard screams coming out the village from the people who
were hit by arrows.
I gave the second sign, and all my knights lit their torches. We walked
slowly towards the village, our armour clattered with a terrifying
sound, the sound of their impending doom. The distance between my
knights and the palisade was around ten meters, when the first enemy
warriors appeared on top of it. They began to scream and tried to grab
their bows, but my archers were faster, and before they had their bows
loaded, my archers had shot arrows at them, making them fall of the
palisade with a dull thud and a terrible scream.
I was only five meters from the gate of the village when a group of
scared woman closed it, screaming with fear or maybe anger. I had
expected this, and called my knights to halt. Then I gave the two
knights next to me, who both had torches the order to walk to the
palisade and burn it down. The two knights walked bravely towards the
wooden wall, where beyond orders were screamed, children cried out in
fear and woman were making hysterical noises.
When my two knights stood before the palisade ready to set it on fire,
a big, beast-like warrior appeared on top of the palisade, he had the
build of a troll, and his body was painted with all kinds of Nordic
runes and symbols. With a fearsome shout, he was hit by a
hundred (100 is fine, due to that many stories were exaggerated, in
fact this is how many epics were written. It's called hubris) arrows
and he dropped a huge stone off the palisade which fell on my knights.
One was immediately killed and the others legs were crushed by the
stone's enormous weight, he screamed with pain as he bled to death. We
stood completely motionless for a moment watching in terror at the
crushed bodies of our fellow knights, and the inhuman beast who killed
them. Then a second barrage of arrows rained down at the barbarian who
slew the two knights. He made a fearsome cry and felt off the palisade
into the village. My knights shouted victory when the giant fell and
two other brave knights walked to the palisade and set it on fire,
within a couple of minutes the village was surrounded by a ring of
fire. The heat was nearly unbearable, and we heard screams of pain and
fear coming out the village. after half a hour the villagers were
completely silent. After two hours we assumed it was safe to go in, the
palisade had totally burned down and we could walk in the village
without any problem.
When we walked in the village we could find not a single villager, except [B]for the bodies of the dead, who lay heavily burned dotted throughout
the village. We walked slowly and with caution through the destroyed
village. The houses were empty and burned to the ground. One of my
knights came to me and said they heard sounds coming out of the
chieftain's house. I gathered ten of my bravest knights together and
walked to the chieftain's house, which was overlooking the destroyed
village.
When we opened the door we heard crying coming from the second floor.
Alerted, we walked slowly up the stairs, and seeing something move in
the bedroom, we went in. Inside a group of woman, children and village
elders lay crying with fear upon the floor, the only man capable of
fighting was the chieftain. He stood up and walked towards me. He knelt
and said: ?You won, and I will surrender if you spare these poor souls.
My Lord?. I laughed and struck his face, I heard myself saying: ?You
killed my two bravest knights, my tax-collector, his escort, and now
you want me to spare ?those poor souls?'?! I didn?t know what I was
thinking: I felt power streaming through my body, I lost every kind of
responsibility. I pulled out my sword and sliced the chieftains head
clean off his shoulders. The woman, children and elders screamed in
terror. I turned around and walked out the room, the only thing I said
was: ?kill them.?
When I came out of the chieftains house all I heard were screams of the
innocent being killed by my knights. But I didn?t feel sorry. I felt
like I was on top of the world. Like I just had drank a glass of fine
wine from the gods. I had never felt so good.
A ten minutes later my knights came out the chieftains house, soaked in
blood. Some looked proud, some looked ashamed and some looked scared.
And one of them had eyes which were full of revenge, he was the only
one who wasn?t covered I blood. He walked towards me and for a second I
thought he would kill me. But he said: ?You! You dog! You have the
blood the innocent on your hands! The gods will punish you for this
sin! You will never rest again, every time you close your eyes you will
see those innocent people and hear them scream!? I laughed and said:
?You were there, you are as guilty as I am! You could have stopped me,
yet you withheld! You are a coward!?
The knight stared at me with eyes full of anger. He said nothing and
walked out of the destroyed village. We never heard of him again, but
his prophecy was true. I haven?t been able to find rest again since
that night. Every night I hear the screams, the screams of the innocent. |
Good job. Try thinking through the story more, a good way to do this is
to imagine role playing it. What would these people's reactions be to
this event that occurred? The grammar is a secondary asset. It's
development will come with time. You have great potential, just keep
writing, that's the number one thing, and read other writers. I suggest
you try either playing out these roles via game, or setup a larger
setting so that your mind has more material to work with. |
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16.04.2007 00:47 |
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