An open letter to Raminus Polus

[Deeza]

I came up with the idea for this whilst playing Oblivion the other night and getting hamstrung by a very annoying bug. If you try to get cured of vampirism whilst also being a member of the Mages' Guild, you are accused of theft and expelled, forcing you to do that unbelievably boring flower collection quest before you are allowed to continue with the vampirism cure quest. In the end I had to look up where to find the flowers on the internet.

Anyway, I thought it was a shame to let the experience of that annoying wasted evening go to waste, and so I wrote this, in-character, as a way of working out my irritation:

To my former colleague Raminus Polus,

I am writing announce to the world that I wish to tender my resignation from the Mages' Guild with immediate effect. In light of my tragic vampiric condition, not to mention the indignities and humiliation I have suffered in recent weeks, I feel that there is no longer a place for me at the Arcane University. But this is not about the Mages' Guild. It is about you. Yes, YOU, Raminus Polus.

Deprived of any legal means to seek redress for the appalling ways in which you have wronged me, I have no choice. YOU have brought this upon yourself. I have decided to scrawl filth about you in this letter and distribute it to every corner of the world. Make no mistake, you did this to me. Was there no pity in your heart, no scrap of human kindness that could persuade you to help me when I needed it most? What did I ever do to you to deserve such an undying display of contempt and hatred? For clearly you must believe me to have committed some terrible wrong against you. I cannot imagine why.

When I was first infected with vampirism (on an incidental note, the second time in my life I have been royally screwed over by Azura, my experiences on Vvardenfell being the first) out of all the people in the world I could have looked to, I turned to you. It was said that you alone knew of a cure. But you would not share this knowledge with me, oh no. What did you do instead? You made a baseless accusation that I had stolen from a fellow guild member, and cast me out of the Guild. Now, I have stolen things from many, many, people over the years, so under normal circumstances it would be quite possible that my lack of knowledge of this particular theft was due to my own poor memory, but of one thing I am convinced - I would have remembered fencing Mages' Guild property. Just ask my former acquaintances at the Caldera guildhall. But I shall let that slur against my character aside, for it is as nothing compared to the treatment I received from you next.

You refused to talk to me about the cure for vampirism. You flat-out refused. No matter how many times I pleaded, how often I begged at your feet, you would only talk of Dragon's-Tongue sprigs and Redwort flowers. No other topics could be coaxed from your indifferent, cruel lips. You would not even deign to speak to me until I fulfilled your perverse desire for these plants. All my arts of persuasion, honed over long years of wandering the world, could not sway you. But so as to finally and irrevocably rub salt into the wound, you refused to give me even the smallest hint about where to find these plants. For how long did I search through trackless wastes in search of this elusive quarry? How many nights did I scream at the moons in impotent fury as I fumbled through kilometres of woodland and grasses, my hands worked to the bone as I prized your worthless weeds out of the dirt? I cannot remember. But as I defame your hard-won reputation in print, you will pay for every one of them.

It was on one of those terrible long nights that a strange creature of the type I recalled vaguely from my days on Solstheim leapt out from behind a bush at me. I was so surprised at seeing it here, in the heart of Cyrodiil, that at first it got the better of me, and by the time I had finally hacked its miserable whining head off, I realised that it had bitten me. And what is more, due to my feet beginning to smoke and burn upon even touching the threshold of a shrine of the Nine Divines, I was unable to seek a cure in time.

Do you realise what you have done to me, Raminus Polus? Thanks to your bottomless evil I AM NOW A VAMPIRIC WEREWOLF. I am forced to sleep through the day or else die in blazing sunlight, and upon finally emerging at night, I am transformed into a beast of ravenous hunger, forced to feed on the emotionally subnormal bandits who never cease to attack me. My life is one never-ending hell, and I hold you exclusively responsible.

But the time is coming when I shall have my revenge, Raminus Polus, and if you think your lofty position will protect you, you are so very, very wrong. Just you wait. The time will come down when I shall sweep into the Arcane University, a terrible vision of foaming mouth and dripping fangs, and chow down upon your evil backside, thus infecting you with both of these plagues that afflict me.

Until that glorious day, as I write this hiding out in my frigid Ayleid ruin lair, high up in the Jerall mountains, I remain,

Medium-Sized Izthiss
formerly Grandmaster of House Hlaalu, Vvardenfell District

[Ibsen's Ghost]

Thoroughly justified, methinks :goodjob:

...and well done for your sterling work on the literature boards!

[zprospero]

Excellent work! The part about being infected by both
creatures was particularly good. I remember this exact thing
happening to me and being absolutely infuriated as well.

I took a different revenge, however. I opened the
console and put an enormous bounty on Raminus'
head so every time he set foot out of the lobby the
battlemages would beat him unconscious.

I figured seeing him repeatedly knocked over the head with
a mace would make me feel better about doing his stupid gardening.

I justified it as the hand of Sheogorath.
Azura never does anything fun like that.

[Deeza]

I dunno whether to bother including this or not. It was mostly just a bit of fun I had one evening after a frustrating couple of hours collecting herbs. Anyone have an opinion? Otherwise I'll archive this to keep the board clean.

[jucklesjenk]

I dunno - I guess you could just have it as an easter egg in a cave or something?

[Deeza]

That's a possibility I guess. Or maybe I could put it in the Restricted Section of Soluthis Library (it already includes three easter eggs from TES3)!

[jucklesjenk]

To be honest, I'm not really sure of the team's general opinion on easter eggs, but perhaps.

I suggest a cave that could perhaps be a vampire lair, and in the heart of the lair is 'Medium-Sized Izthiss', along with some decent loot and this note.

[Deeza]

Nah, I don't think it'd be worth that much effort. No sweat. I'll put this with the old threads.