Ashlander jokes and sayings

[KuKulzA]

[Many of these are lore-inappropriate, it was just a sudden idea of mine.]

As many impoverished people do when they need to get through hard times, they make jokes to make their plight seem better and easier... so I think Ashlanders should occasionally crack jokes about their situation

let's start with a few.. and you guys could help out...


How many times did Molag Bal rape Vivec?
Once.
No, he raped him twice, once his female side and once his male! Duality of nature!
[laughing]

What do you call a Kagouti on fire?
What would you call a Kagouti on Fire?
an A-lit [laughter]

Why do we say "N'chow!" and N'wah!"?
Why?
Because Nord starts with N also.

The Redoran said their homes were the best since they were smooth and good against ashland winds. The Telvanni said theirs was the best since it grew for them and they did not need to build. The Hlaalu said theirs was the best since it is compact and many can be built in one small city. The Indoril said theirs was the best since it is the strongest. The Dres said theirs was the best home since it was traditional like the Velothis'. But what home is the very best?
Tell me.
The Yurt, it is smooth so good against ashland winds, it is grown from the hides of our game, it is small and so you can have many in one camp, it is strong cause you can move it and it will not get sieged, and it is more traditional that the Dres, for Veloth lived in a yurt long before the Houses were made!

What do the Ghostgate Temple warriors say when they see lava coming down their Foyada?
What?
Mama mee a!
Hahaha, no it's Mamaea stoopid!
oh...

Almalexia and Vivec were doing something they really enjoyed. Vivec liked doing it in and out, Almalexia liked doing up and down reeaaally slowly. What were they doing?
Making love?
No you sick-minded fool! They were brushing their teeth!

As ashlanders we reserve the right to raid House-folk. When laying low we follow Boethiah, when preparing the ambush we follow Mephala. When we attack we follow Dagon. Who do we follow after victory?
Who? by then we are done aren't we? all that is left is a broken home and their cowering women...
Sanguine, my friend, for the ladies...

Why did Almalexia go crazy?
Why?
Because she looked at herself in the mirror. [laughter]

How long would it take for Imperial Legions to conquer us Ashlanders?
Forever.
How long would it take for us to defeat them and drive them out of Vvardenfell?
Forever.
How long would it take for us to kill an Imperial?
No time at all.

Who are the best enemies in Morrowind?
Who?
Hlaalu, because they cannot flee well since their pockets are weighted down in gold, their mercenaries cannot come quickly because they are weighed down with the gold they were paid, and when we kill them both, we can take their gold.

Why do horses taste so good?
Why?
Because an Imperial rode it and we had to hunt both down to eat the horse.

What is morenumerous than the Dagoth Ask-folk, more fierce than the Ordinators, more stupid than a Kagouti, and louder than a Nord?
What?
A cliff-racer.

What do they mean when they say a Mabrigash steals a man's vital essence and has a ghost-snake?
oh, that's because they take the.... ugh you are so disgusting!

How many times does a House-clan woman painfully groan when they see an Ashlander warrior?
How many?
Three, once when she sees her House on fire, another when her clan is dead, and lastly when the Ashlander is on top of her.

Why do Nords go naked in battle and swing around wildly with their swords?
Why?
Because they smell bad and are swatting away the flies.

Why do Telvanni need bug musk?
How come?
Because by the time they get a date they are old and ugly.

How many years did Sotha Sil live?
Thousands of years.
How many lovers did Sotha Sil have?
None.

What do Striders and Orcs have in common.
What?
There isn't much in their heads.

How many Tongues do the Nords have to blow down their enemies?
Five-hundred at best.
How many of the Nords have brains to outwit their enemies?
None.

What do Beetles and Orcs have in common?
What?
They both make good armor and are pretty dumb.


and here are a few sayings...

You only have as many annoyances in life as there are cliffracers.

Follow a Guar's trail and you will always find an oasis.

A Nord woman may be as beautiful as a goddess but she smells like a Kagouti.

If you worked as hard as a guar, you'd have their dumb smiling look too.

Your fortune will only be as big as a scamp's ears.

[Axen]

Originally posted by KuKulzA
Almalexia and Vivec were doing something they really enjoyed. Vivec liked doing it in and out, Almalexia liked doing up and down reeaaally slowly. What were they doing?
Making love?
No you sick-minded fool! They were brushing their teeth!

I doubt that's what you had in mind when you made that one.

[KuKulzA]

Originally posted by Axen

Originally posted by KuKulzA
Almalexia and Vivec were doing something they really enjoyed. Vivec liked doing it in and out, Almalexia liked doing up and down reeaaally slowly. What were they doing?
Making love?
No you sick-minded fool! They were brushing their teeth!

I doubt that's what you had in mind when you made that one.

.... :lmao:

[Lady Nerevar]

um... i dont think their that funny (and i also dont think that referances to things like teeth brushing are OK in the tes universe). also many of them dont seem to reflect races, groups, etc. corecly (ashlanders dont go raiding on GHs for ex, and nords dotn fight naked)

[Kyoushu]

Despite some of those jokes being funny on one level or another, it contradicts the lore.

As seen here...

http://til.gamingsource.net/interviews/dev.shtml

MK: They don?t know jokes!

KR: Yeah, don?t have a thing like jokes, I?m not even sure they have irony. They don?t see irony. Bitterness, they can perceive bitterness, but they can?t perceive a joke.

MK: They know what a joke it is.

KR: Right, they understand the structure of a joke, they?re able to approach a joke from the literary point of view, but they don?t see anything funny about their lives.

[Axen]

Originally posted by KuKulzA

Originally posted by Axen

Originally posted by KuKulzA
Almalexia and Vivec were doing something they really enjoyed. Vivec liked doing it in and out, Almalexia liked doing up and down reeaaally slowly. What were they doing?
Making love?
No you sick-minded fool! They were brushing their teeth!

I doubt that's what you had in mind when you made that one.

.... :lmao:

Especially considering Vivec always goes around shoving his magic **** in everyone's mouth.

[KuKulzA]

geez guys... so humorless.... X(

EDIT: I guess we'll let this drop... except maybe the sayings which I think are alright


You only have as many annoyances in life as there are cliffracers.

Follow a Guar's trail and you will always find an oasis.

A Nord woman may be as beautiful as a goddess but she smells like a Kagouti.

If you worked as hard as a guar, you'd have their dumb smiling look too.

Your fortune will only be as big as a scamp's ears.

[Valour]

Some of these are pretty funny, like:

Originally posted by KuKulzAHow many years did Sotha Sil live?
Thousands of years.
How many lovers did Sotha Sil have?
None.

Almalexia and Vivec were doing something they really enjoyed. Vivec liked doing it in and out, Almalexia liked doing up and down reeaaally slowly. What were they doing?
Making love?
No you sick-minded fool! They were brushing their teeth!

And other make no snese to me, like:

Originally posted by KuKulzA
How long would it take for Imperial Legions to conquer us Ashlanders?
Forever.
How long would it take for us to defeat them and drive them out of Vvardenfell?
Forever.
How long would it take for us to kill an Imperial?
No time at all.

What do the Ghostgate Temple warriors say when they see lava coming down their Foyada?
What?
Mama mee a!
Hahaha, no it's Mamaea stoopid!
oh...

Are these intended to actually be used? Somehow I doubt Ashlanders would make jokes like these, but they are comical none the less.

Good on you for coming up with them all

[KuKulzA]

Originally posted by Valour
Are these intended to actually be used? Somehow I doubt Ashlanders would make jokes like these, but they are comical none the less.

Maybe... I doubt it... but hey I just had a sudden thought and started typing madly and one "joke" led to the next...

Originally posted by Valour
Good on you for coming up with them all

yeaaahhh... but not everyone thinks so :evil:

[Noob Saibot]

I really thought the jokes were funny :goodjob: