What was Left(chapter by chapter story)

[Ryu]

He sat there in that lonely and deserted garden his breath turned to fog as the koi silently and cheerfully swam through the large pond. The lotus twitched ever so elegantly while the shadows of the many clouds passed overhead. As he sat there his green kimono swaying slowly as he quiety sipped the sake. ''How indeed grim......And to think its all my fault'' spoke this quiet young man who looked only about 17. ''You musnt blame yourself you had no idea what was going on'' said an elderly looking man ''You simply cant blame her death on yourself Jin-san'' spoke the elderly man softly.

Suddenly The man called Jin arose and kicked the table over spilling sake on the old man ''Shut up! It was my fault I should have guessed!'' shouted Jin angerly just before storming off. ''poor poor Jin-san Saya-san why did you leave him?'' Asked the Old man as he cleaned up the split sake.

Jin quickly stormed out of the shrine and drew his katana ''You hear me you bastard Ill hunt you down and Slaughter you!''Promised Jin to the heavens.

In a shrine located atop a massive water fall a wicked laugh could be heard from benhind the massive curtian of water ''Mmmmmmmm how delightful poor little samurai-baka is coming for revenge what a bold action indeed'' said the two toned voice cheefully.

Thats only chapter one and Id ike some feed back please.

[Brian S]

You have a lot of run-ons. And don't forget apostrophes in words like don't and can't.

As for the story, meh, nothing exciting. It felt rushed, needs some fleshing out, imo. Assuming this is Akaviri based, make it so it includes TES references, because it could pass for any real life story.

[Ryu]

Ofcourse its Akvir Based the real fun dosent come in till i reveal Whats behind the water fall

[Ysne]

Try fleshing out what your wrote including shorter sentences (i.e. no runons) to make more readable paragraphs. It is an adequate beginning otherwise.

[Kodama]

I like it :goodjob:

[Kodama]

Are you still with us Ryu?

I hope you don't have any problems.

[Ryu]

Sorry guys a few issues came up(got addicted to beating Jade Empire) andway heres the second chapter.

Chapter 2- A look at the past

Jin stood at the top of the cliff as he looked over that poor city ''Its been a long time hasnt it......Saya'' Jin crouched down to the side of the lake and carefully placed the black lily in the water. ''I promised you that I'd give you this on your birthday....'' Jin sat down on the ever so firmilar rock and watched the black lily float towards the center of the circular lake. As the Clouds moved across the pale blue sky Jin was taken back to that very moment.

Jin marched paroudly around the clff side lake ''My daddies gonna fight the oni's, my daddies gonna fight the oni's'' he chanted as he marched around with that bokken slung over his shoulder it was almost as tall as he was. Jin suddenly heard gurggled screams at the shore and looked over to see a middle aged man dipping a little girls head in the water ''God dammit you little bitch tell me or die!''.

Jin picked up up a nearby stone and chucked it at the manns head it hit and he turned around graspintg his head with his free hand ''You little bastard how dare you!'' yelled the man now looking as if he was an oni himself.

''My daddie tells me its never okay to hurt girls!'' shouted Jin defiantly those classic words youd expect to hear from a 5 year old. ''By the high Elves its you that little adopted boy of general Gin, What a random youll bring in'' shouted the man with a devilish grin.

[Ysne]

This chapter is much better written than the first chapter. The story seems interesting.

[Kodama]

A lot of typos, it looks like Ryu was in a hurry when he posted part two

Anyway, now we know Ryu is still here.

[Ryu]

yep im the typo king alright and its not rushed ive planned this out for awhile.

But its hard divideing a huge report into a chapter if your wondering why i didnt just post the whole thing i figured if i split it up i could make improvements to make the plot how i wanted the first time.